Athlete and parents: a complex relationship
The athlete and their parents: a complex relationship
The role of parents
Parents play a key role in the sporting success of their child: either they are a source of motivation, or they can hinder the sporting project and become career breakers. Many parents understand the sport and its challenges and are primarily interested in the development of their children through sports. However, some parents fail to fulfill their adult role with their children, as the stakes become more important than the experience itself. We often witness negative stories between parents and athletes, which can have detrimental effects and even lead to the athlete giving up their sport.
First and foremost, I would like to reassure parents that your task is not easy. Managing a child who participates in competitive sports is challenging, regardless of whether you have personal experience in sports or not. The moment of defeat is always difficult for the child, and sometimes for you as well, because you may not always know how to react in the "right" way. Participating in competitive sports often requires parents, or a specific parent, to organize and find solutions for their child to compete, and provide financial support for their training and competitions. I frequently encounter parents who are doing their best, trying to navigate the emotional aspects, and asking themselves important questions. However, at times, without even realizing it, some parents engage in behaviors that are harmful to their children.
To all parents of athletes, I would like to shed some light on the matter, without intending to lecture, as there are no standard rules for parenting, and I do not like to categorize behaviors as "good" or "bad." Instead, I would like to offer you some questions to reflect upon regarding your behavior and your experience as a parent of an athlete.
What are your child's motivations?
The first question to ask yourself is about your child's motivation. Why does your child want to participate in sports? Why do they compete? What are their true motivations? It is crucial to understand this because many children play sports for the joy of practicing, developing a liking for a particular sport, training, and making progress. Sometimes, sports serve as a means to spend quality time with friends, as socialization is a significant reason why children continue in their sports activities. Therefore, it is necessary to determine whether your child is playing for their enjoyment or to please you. It is important to recognize that even if your child is talented in their sport, they may not necessarily desire to pursue high-level competition.
What are your expectations?
As a parent, you need to consider your motivations in your child's sports project. Do you want your child to pursue sports as a professional career? Do you want them to excel in their sport? Your motivations may not always be clear on this matter. Even if you emphasize the importance of their efforts, your expectations for results are reflected in your reactions. Sometimes, we observe excessively positive attitudes during victories and often negative attitudes or a lack of reaction during defeats.
Even if you try to speak positively, your emotions can be perceived by the child. They often sense a discrepancy between your words, such as "it's okay," and the disappointment they see in your eyes or hear in your voice.
Thus, the child often links your reactions to their results. When feeling disappointed with you, the child associates it with "I won, therefore I am loved." Conversely, when they lose, they may think, "I lost, so my parents don't appreciate me." Although this may not be your intention, your reactions inevitably create these feelings in the child. Children naturally seek to please their parents, so it is important to understand that focusing solely on results decreases their enjoyment of the sport. It often becomes a source of pressure, causing the child to stress because they feel pressured by their parents to win.
Winning should not be the sole objective. Instead, the message should convey that effort, dedication, determination, and personal growth are more important than solely focusing on performance or results. It's crucial to ensure that the pressure on the child's shoulders is not overwhelming. Especially considering they already have to cope with their disappointment in the face of defeat. As a parent, your role should be supportive, being there to provide consolation, comfort, and encouragement above all else.
Is competition the center of your family?
This question is also crucial to consider because sometimes only one child in a family engages in competitive sports, while other siblings may have different interests and passions. The involvement of the entire family in the sports project of one child can lead to the neglect of other family members. The athletic child may bear the weight of the entire family's expectations and feel like the center of attention.
When the child loses and the parent is in a bad mood afterward, it affects the whole family. And can create potential imbalances. The child may feel that they are solely perceived as an athlete and a competitor in the eyes of their parents. This delicate situation arises. Because it is important to remember that the child is, above all, a child and desires to be recognized and acknowledged for things other than just their sport. Especially when they are not successful.
One thing that is often noticeable is the first question parents ask their child after a competition: "Did you win?" This question implicitly implies that only the outcome matters. By asking more open-ended questions like, "How did it go for you?" the focus shifts, demonstrating genuine interest in the child's experiences and emotions rather than solely fixating on the result. In the family dynamic, the child may also sense the disappointment you feel and the sacrifices you make, both in terms of time and money, for their sport. The child often internalizes these sacrifices made by their parents, and it weighs on their own experience.
Are you living vicariously through your child's success?
Sometimes, parents tend to live vicariously through their child's sports endeavors. They may seek to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams or desires for glory through their child. The happiness of the parent becomes deeply intertwined with the success of the child. It is essential to question your investment and whether your child has become a substitute for your unfulfilled aspirations.
The child has their journey and should not be a mere vessel for fulfilling the parent's dreams. It's important to take a step back from your involvement in your child's project and recognize that your life should not solely revolve around their training and competitions.
Some parents may also chase the prospect of financial gains that can potentially be derived from having a professional athlete in the family (e.g., tennis, football, golf). However, it's crucial to remember that only a few athletes manage to make a lucrative living from their sport. The financial aspect should not be the primary objective, as it will inevitably lead to frustration. The path to high-level performance requires significant time and is riddled with uncertainties about future success. Your child may excel in junior categories but never transition to professional sports.
Who is your child?
In the excitement of sporting success, parents often overlook their child's overall well-being. They think about training, organization, competitions, and results but sometimes forget to ask the child about their feelings, doubts, and difficulties. Adolescence, for example, is already a challenging period to navigate. Parents need to be supportive of their child's psychological development as a whole. When a child feels excessive pressure, they tend to withdraw. And maybe hesitant to communicate with their parents due to the fear of rejection or not meeting expectations. Understanding your child's psychology is crucial in knowing how to respond to their disappointments. And being an unwavering source of support, regardless of the outcome.
Do you trust the coach?
Finally, as a parent, you hold a special place in the world of sports. You often have the primary role. However, it is crucial to recognize that in the sporting project, you must also be willing to step aside and trust the coach.
Attending every single one of your child's training sessions does not foster a relationship of trust with the coach. It can make the coach feel scrutinized, judged, and disconnected from their mission. Knowing when to step back, both during training sessions and competitions, is highly beneficial for your child. It allows them to develop their autonomy, which is essential for their psychological growth. Building a healthy line of communication with the coach is always advantageous for your child's competitive journey. Additionally, the coach possesses valuable experience in sports. And can also serve as a source of support and information about your child's chosen sport.
In conclusion, your perspective on your child's sports project should be at the core of your self-reflection. It is important to engage in self-analysis, paying attention to what your child may not express explicitly in words. Recognizing when your involvement has negative repercussions on their sports development is crucial.
Remember, sports should not be the central focus of your life as it can create imbalances for your child. As a parent, it is essential to start managing your own emotions, maintaining a positive outlook, and shifting the focus toward your child's well-being rather than solely emphasizing results.
By asking yourself these important questions, reflecting on your behavior and choices, and making adjustments where necessary, you can play a positive and supportive role in your child's sports journey. Ultimately, your aim should be to promote their enjoyment, personal growth, and overall development as a well-rounded individuals.
Next read: https://mentalaccelerator.com/resource/lucidity/what-is-proprioception